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It was New Years Eve, the kid was down for the
count, and I was horny as hell. But as midnight approached, my wife was
glued to that cement-haired em-balmination Dick Clark and his "Rockin' New
Years Eve" party. Sex was lost somewhere among the crappy entertainers and blowhard
guests occupying our television screen. What to do? How could I turn Eddy's
attentions toward my throbbing zipper? How could I get her attention off
Rudy Guiliani and his mistress and onto anxious Freddy Jr.? And Brittany Spears was coming up! I had to
think fast and it just so happened that "When Harry Met Sally" was just a
few channels down the dial. Salvation was at hand.
I don't think I need to rehash the plot of this
romantic drivel of a movie except to say that Billy and Meg sure knew how to
hit the sweet spot in women, especially those needing a little of that fairy
tale romance (doled out in small doses by most men). So much so that it
launched Meg Ryan's career as queen of the chick-flicks, leading to roles in
a succession of worsening goopy fare such as Sleepless in Seattle, French
Kiss, Addicted to Love, You've Got Mail, and so on. But her role as the
quirky Sally is the standard by which all modern romantic comedies are
judged. Sure, Meg's orgasm in the deli would land her in jail today, but
what woman doesn't wish she could do that to us? Put us in our places dammit!
"Yeah, we fake orgasms with you dimwits all the time, get it?" Mostly,
though, When Harry Met Sally reinforced that time-worn notion that LOVE will
overcome anything and everything and that sex is the impediment to Harry and
Sally's Happily Ever After. The kind of crap that lots of women, except for
Jenn and Jamie (over at Hidden Self and
Mind Caviar, respectively), I imagine
actually believe to be true in real life. Right.
That's all well and good, but I wanted to ring
in the new year with Freddy Jr. joining the party and the little lady needed
redirection. Imagine my shock when Eddy told me she had only seen the movie
"in bits and pieces" and had never seen the end! Home run! I'd have her
licking honey off Freddy Jr. and feeding me grapes before Meg and Billy
could finish their last kiss. The wheels were now in motion. OK, Meg and
Billy meet on a car trip and hate each other. Check. Meg and Billy meet five
years later randomly in airport. Check. Meg and Billy meet in a Sharper
Image-type store and are now single again. Check. They become best friends
and fixing each other up with friends goes disastrously wrong. Check. Sex
happens in fit of depression. Check. Breakup and big fight. Check. Eddy
snuggling closer to Freddy. Cool Harry and Sally kiss and discover what WE
know all along. Time to get Freddy Jr. busy!
But wait. Eddy now wants to discuss just ended
film. Freddy Jr. getting worried. Yes, I know you've never faked an orgasm.
Yes, I know he's a jerk. Yes, she is a wacko. You like Sleepless in Seattle
better. Great, um, have I told you how sexy you are? OK, the Carrie
Fisher-Bruno Kirby relationship is more realistic. Blah blah blah blah
blah...
So, how did your New Year's end up? Was it a
Prelude to a Kiss or DOA?
Let us know. |
