On the drive over, Big Red and Chief gave us the lowdown on strip club etiquette. Which, in a nutshell is:

1. Keep plenty of dollar bills handy when sitting at the stage/dance area. The dancers expect to be tipped and you are expected to tip them as long as you choose to occupy a seat.

2. If you want a lap dance, approach the girl and ask nicely. You should also know how much it costs BEFORE you ask for these dances. Be prepared to fork out 15-20 dollars PER SONG. If you ask for the dancer to continue from one song to the next, you have to pay additional cash. If you're there as a couple and you want the dancer to do a lap dance for both of you, you may have to pay double. This depends on a lot of factors, one of which is the mood of the dancer. A lot of times you can negotiate the fees down, but not always, so be prepared for additional expenditures.

3. DON'T take a dancer up on a request to "buy her a drink." This is a scam whereby you pay 20-30 (even as high as 40) bucks for her to drink a soda with you without any sort of disrobing.

4. DON'T occupy a seat near a wall if you don't plan to get a lap dance. The club will probably be crowded and those chairs should be left for lap dance paying customers.

5. If you wish to go to the private area of the club (sometimes referred to as the VIP or Champagne room) as a couple, it will probably cost around 100 dollars for three dances PER PERSON. Again, you can probably negotiate this down, but do so PRIOR to entering the room.

Now that we were well versed in the rules of the game, we confidently paid our $10.00 cover charges and parted the curtain, as it were. The club was comprised of two large rooms, with stages directly in the center, flanked by two full bars on each side. Girls in all manner of dress (or UN-dress) were circulating among the 98% male crowd. While Eddy looked overwhelmed, my mouth was watering. There were femmes of every conceivable type; pettite Asians in schoolgirl outfits, buxom blondes in lingerie, Latino firecrackers in hot red bikinis, ebony beauties in silk, a 300 pound whatever, and even a midget! Different strokes for different folks, I guess. We had no sooner found a good vantage point when a gorgeous blonde with huge fake breasts approached, pushed me into a chair, and informed me that her name was Tina. She was instructed by Chief to initiate me with a lap dance and to prepare me for some heavy panting. Hummuna hummana hummana. The music cranked a Manson tune and off we went.

The first thing that struck me was Tina's scent. It would soon become etched into my memory permanently as the night wore on, because every girl working the club smelled exactly the same. Try and imagine baby powder mixed with perfume and deodorant and you'd be close. I assume whatever they're wearing is meant to totally eliminate any trace of what's probably quite a night of exercise. Between pole dances, lap dances, and circulating throughout the club all night, it makes sense that the gals would either have to shower constantly or use some heavy duty antiperspirant (hence the  baby powder scent). It also stands to reason that they'd all use the same substance to avoid patrons smelling of a mixture of different perfumes that, when mingled, might not please the nostrils. In any case, Tina smelled pleasant and I quickly turned my attention to those magnificent breasts getting ever closer to my face.

The lap dance lasted about 3-4 minutes, with Tina gamely writhing and wiggling all over me, at one point shoving her knee into my groin so hard I almost doubled over and fell out of my seat. She danced seductively, rubbed her breasts in my face, and snuck in a touch here and there, then finished and went on her way. Chief paid her the requisite 20 bucks and I looked to return the favor. I can't really say I was turned on, but I think things might have been different had I chosen the girl myself and settled in a bit more. Besides, my main motive was to get Eddy a lap dance, as THAT thought really turned me on. It became apparent quickly, however, that Eddy was NOT going to be easy.

Though my wife was enjoying the novelty of the experience, she was hesitant to really "let go" for some reason. After almost two hours, she was no closer to tasting the sweet sensations of a lap dance and I was starting to get, well, slightly bored. I thought her stance would soften a bit after watching a hot little Latino firecracker on the pole, but the girl disappeared after finishing her song and was nowhere to be found. Finally, we left and finished our early morning with a walk through the lovely Venetian Hotel. Though I hated to admit it to myself, I was really disappointed that Eddy wouldn't go for a lap dance, which tarnished the whole evening (at least for me). Eddy could sense my disappointment and tried to cheer me up, even vowing to give it another try the next time we ventured to Vegas. This just made things worse, as I just couldn't accept that she wouldn't at least TRY it once. Don't we run an adult website? She'll try sex toys, watch porn, and write about it all, but she won't try a lap dance? I was confused to say the least.

Leave it to the folks with experience to put it all into perspective on the long drive back to LA. Chief and Big Red explained that they had a very similar experience and that it's normal for a woman to warm up to the experience. And one must accept that the other may NEVER enjoy strip clubs at all. However, they went on, we should at least give it one more chance before chucking the idea altogether, which we plan to do, oh, in about another month. Hopefully, things will turn out differently. If not, then this is just one less way to spend a couple a' hundred bucks.