If I could only perform one sexual act for
the rest of my life, I'd pick anal sex.
Surprised? Scientifically speaking, you
shouldn't be. The butt is rich with nerve endings, and the anal
canal conveniently points straight towards two of the most
sensitive spots on our bodies: the G-spot in women (through the
anal wall), and P-spot (prostate) in men.
Here's a down and not-so-dirty guide to
having (and enjoying!) anal sex:
Lube: Before you even think about having anal sex,
get some lube. The butt has none of its own lubricant, so you
have to use lube. No, saliva doesn’t count as lubricant, and I’m
living proof that you can injure yourself as a result. You can
read more about lube—and what not using it can do to you—in
about lube here.
If you have a chance, prep for anal sex: Our anal
canal is a passageway for things to head out, things are rarely
stored there without us being aware of it. But for those of us
that want to make sure we’re nice and clean, here are some tips.
Wear a condom.
Non-tested partners should be wearing condoms anyway to protect
each other from transmitting STDs. The anal canal’s surface is
fragile and can micro-tear easily (see the steps about lube to
help prevent this), so it’s especially wise to use condoms
during anal sex. Condoms have the added bonus of easy clean-up
if the butt isn’t as empty as you’d like it to be.
Eat foods that
day that will be nice to your body (meat and potatoes, no
Indian curries!). Having a nice, solid, bowel movement before
sex is the most natural way to be clean.
Clean yourself out with warm water. There are many methods:
using your finger while in the shower to “rinse out” the area;
using an anal douche to clean out the first 10 inches or so of your goods; or by rinsing out using
a get-up attached to your shower head (there's even a
“travel version”). Many people want to know if an enema is
necessary before anal sex; all of my sources (including former
registered nurse Nina Hartley) believe enemas to be too invasive
for regular anal play. Enemas clean out much more than is
necessary; you only need to clean out the bottom 10 inches or so
of your canal for good, clean, anal play.
If you want to know more (with pictures
and more details than you'd ever want), check out this great and to-the-point website by
A quick note
about what happens when you aren't as clean as you'd like to be.
Shit happens.. Be aware that every once in a while, things
might not be as clean as you want them to be, and understand
that it happens to everyone, and is completely normal. Think of
it as “used food” (Todd Perkin's words), or as a fact of life
like menstruation; “you just need to respect it and work around
it,” Todd advises. Just laugh about it and hop in the shower,
and be done with it... beating yourself up over something that
is a normal occurrence doesn't help!
Lube: Are you remembering the lube? I bring it up
again already because it's that important. The inner walls of
our butts are fragile, and without the slippery stuff lube
brings to the table, you can give yourself micro-tears that make
you more susceptible to STDs and other butt injuries.
You have to seduce your ass every time: That’s a
direct quote from my favorite sex educator and porn star (and
friend) Nina Hartley. And yes,
you have to seduce your ass every single time. I first massage
the opening with the pad of my lubed finger (even better with
latex gloves on them, easy clean up and no worries about
nails!), till the opening relaxes. Promise your partner you
won't go inside (even if playing with the opening is as far as
you get this session), and stick to your promises... if your
partner thinks you're going further than they are ready for,
they'll tense up and you won't get anywhere.
Once you feel
the opening relax, you can slip the first digit of your finger
in, or the tip of a small toy. I love the Small Ripple, it’s silicone (which means it's boilable,
bleachable, and dishwasher safe... a must for anal toys), and
it's not much bigger than your finger and no nails! Insert it
slowly, you're waiting to feel the butt relax and accept this
small bit; remember, don't go further than you say you will, or
your partner will tense up and you'll be back at ground zero.
A quick note
about toys: most toy materials are porous, which means they
absorb bacteria (read our articles about toy materials for more
details: Sex Toy Materials—Silicone,
and Sex Toy Materials—Latex, Glass, Wood and Cyberskin). Soft toys
are better for beginning anal players, and silicone is by far
the best (and easiest to clean) of soft toy materials. If you
use a toy that's not silicone, be sure to put a condom on it to
keep bacteria from coming into contact with the surface of the
toy. Also, be sure anything you put near your butt has a flared
base; your butt can create a vacuum and can suck non-flared
items up further than you're game for (that's why we hear such
insane emergency room stories).
Lube: I know I mentioned this before, but it’s
that important. I use Sliquid Silver (silicone lube) because it
doesn’t dry up quickly, and our bodies expel it when we’re done.
If you use water-based lube, be sure to re-apply often, as you
might not realize that you're lube has dried up deep inside you.
Anal sex shouldn't hurt: if it does, slow down,
start smaller, and use more lube. Another one of my favorite Nina Hartley quotes: “Butts cannot
be forced, willed or guilt-tripped into complying.” She says
that her husband can play with her but whenever he wants, but he
can't fuck it till IT wants. “It's his job to get my butt to
want his dick. It's my job to relax and let him pleasure my ass
till it's desperate for him.”
What does that
mean? “Our butts are moody,” says Nina. There may be some days
it just doesn't want to be played with. Be aware of this and be
willing to back off if your (or your partner's) butt isn't
cooperating... there's nothing that will shut down
wanting/getting your partner to want anal sex faster than
pushing when the butt's not ready.
Also, be aware of your anatomy, and work
with it, not against it. The above drawing from Todd Perkin's
Anal Play site illustrates how the butt curves (towards the
G-spot in women, and P-spot or prostate in men, yeah!), which
can cause pain if you don't work with it's curves and angle so
you can go in comfortably.
Lube: Yes, lube, AGAIN. I'm bringing it up again
to remind you to make sure that all the bits you're touching
stay lubed throughout your play. Use gloved fingers to push lube
up inside the ass (because having just the first few inches of
your anal canal lubed isn't enough). We just started
Shooter, a disposable device that can help you get lube
further up inside you, if you need help.
Our eyes are bigger than our orifices: So you’ve
warmed your butt up... it’s agreed that having something
(small!) in it can feel good. How do you work your way up to a
Slowly. Once the opening is happy to play with, it’s time to go
in past one knuckle or the tip of the Small Ripple. Don’t forget
that patience will reward you in the end. (‘In the end’, get it?
Ha...). Gradually work your way up to multiple fingers, or a
slightly larger toy (but smaller than the intended penis), and
then the butt should be ready for more. Going for gold right
away will push your sphincter muscles faster than you want to,
and pain (or injury!) can result.
A good anal play session for me results in a slew of toys and a
few gloves used before the penis gets to play.
Did we remember the LUBE? I hope you’re getting
the point by now that using lube is THE essential thing to learn
about having anal sex. Once you’ve started warming up the butt,
it’s not a bad idea to add more lube, and as far in as you can
reach, just in case.
10. Dealing with the aftermath:
Depending on how well you worked your butt up to anal play, the
time till your butt is back to “normal” should be short. If you
have any type of adjustment period (things are looser than they,
um hem, should be... for an hour or more), then you probably
didn’t go slow enough, or warm up enough. Pay attention to your
body, and take note for next time what it needs. I asked porn
star (and anal sex lover)
Jones whether she worries that anal play will stretch her
out, she adamantly said no. “The ass works like any other set of
muscles,” she said. “The more you work them out, the tighter
These pointers should get you started with
anal play. If you’d like to read more on the subject, we highly
Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for
Women” by Tristan Taromino.
If you have any further questions, just
us in the message boards or
drop me a line and we’ll answer all that we can.