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It’s an age-old
problem; you wish he’d caress when he grabs, he wishes you would
lick when you pull, neither of you knows how to share it or even
if it is okay to share it at all. Everyone wants to satisfy,
even amaze their lover, but we are not mind-readers! Here are
some simple ideas of how to discover what you want, and share it
with your partner in a way that they can understand and give it
to ya with all they got.
Getting to know
your own body
How well do you
know yourself? When was the last time you gave yourself
pleasure? Not just masturbation, but truly gave yourself what
you are longing for? Do you even know what that would look like?
How can you expect
your partner to give you what you want if you can’t give it to
yourself?
There is some good
news: You are going to have a great time figuring this out!
Take some time to
think about how you would dream of being made love to. It
possibly is a total fantasy that you have never experienced,
maybe it is based on one (or several) great lovers you have had
in the past.
When you are
creating this vision you can be very detailed;
For Example: The
room is filled with candles and rose-petals, my love is waiting
there for me, when I enter he swoops me up and lays me out on
the bed, he touches me softly with his fingertips all over my
body, he tells me how beautiful I am, he opens my legs and
caresses me with a feather, etc, etc
OR
For Example:
She finally
bought that hot black dress and a pair of pumps, I come home and
she is sitting spread eagle on the table waiting for me, when I
enter she starts touching herself, as soon as I am close to her
she whispers how she loves my cock and falls to her knees to
suck me off, she strokes me first gently, then stronger, with
her tongue just so, etc., etc.
You get the
picture, these are just two examples, what you like is your own
thing and it is best that you be honest with yourself. Remember
this part of the process can be as simple as going out to dinner
at that restaurant that you have always wanted to try, but your
partner has never taken you to, or as detailed as knowing every
motion, caress, and sweet nothing that would drive you wild.
Now the fun part!
Give it to yourself. Find a way to give yourself exactly what
you have been longing for. Instead of waiting for your partner,
get dressed up and take yourself out to that fantastic
restaurant, tell yourself how fucking fabulous you look tonight,
buy yourself the expensive glass of wine. If what you are
longing for is specific to wanting to be touched in new ways,
check out a DVD from the
Loving Sex series on massage, or check
out Erotic Touch website and give yourself the genital massage
of your dreams.
What happens when
we do this?
-
We Create the
vision of what it is we really want
-
We Realize
that we can get what we want and we are not dependent on the
other
-
By taking the
time to make your own desires come to fruition, you can
experience how rewarding it is to ‘have it all’ and how easy
it can be to fill your needs and desires. Once you are aware
of this it may bridge the gap and make it easier to talk to
your partner about what you want
Knowing you
deserve to have exactly what you want
Contrary to what
your parents told you, you can always get what you want!
Now that you know what it is that you would like, the next step
is to know that you are worth it! Most
of us have grown up believing things like, ‘you are not
important,’ ‘other’s needs should always be above yours,’ ‘don’t
be too much trouble,’ and ‘don’t ask for too much.’ Here’s a new
idea; what if when you are fulfilled, you are doing the world a
great service?
When you receive
all the pleasure that you desire, the very allowing of it is a
gift to the world. In a more down-to-earth way, you can think of
it like this, “When you laugh, the world laughs with you”. When
you are well laid, you are more likely to go into work with a
smile on your face. You may be nice to that employee that you
had it in for and then she/he in turn will have a better day.
They may have more energy to do something nice for their
partner….. perhaps they will finally make-love again after a
several month hiatus! Who knows, the possibilities are endless
as to how much joy you can bring into the world when you are
deeply loved, enjoyed, and honored through your lovemaking.
All you have do to
is take the first step. You are in control of the state of your
love-life. It’s not your partner’s fault that they have been
stroking you the wrong way for all of these years…it’s no one’s
fault. However, if you want it to change, it’s up to you to
step-up and give them the data they need to serve you as the
love god or goddess that you are…do not deny them for a moment
longer! The fate of the world rests in your hands (not to
mention the possibility of lovemaking that surpasses what you
imagined possible)!
Give what you
would like to get
Now that you know
what you want, and are ready to receive it, the process becomes
how to share this new information with your partner.
For Example: I wish my
partner would spend more time going down on me, learning what
works for me, and asking me what I want.
So, once you
identify this as a desire, you can spend a night totally focused
on giving this to your partner. Relish going down on your
partner, offer the opportunity to tell you what they like, give
them exactly what they want. Invite and inspire them to
help you give it to them just how they like it. One great
tool for sharing things that may be difficult to say is to use
this simple dialogue:
OR
The great thing
about using this dialog model is that it makes it easier not to
take it personally if your partner wants to make changes in what
you are doing. No one likes to discover that they have been
stroking up all these years, when really all you wanted was
down! However, you simply need to remember that this is
not about you
it’s about giving pleasure to your partner, and feeling the
pleasure yourself of knowing that they are deeply satisfied.
Both of you may experience ‘growing pains’ around this, and that
is perfectly normal. Be gentle, take it slow, and focus on your
partner’s pleasure.
The great thing
about a partner who has been honored, heard and just experienced
pleasure like never before, is that they usually can’t wait to
reciprocate! It’s a great idea to let this time be all about
them and encourage them if they want to do the same for you to
make a special date that is all yours. This will give you the
freedom to let it be ALL ABOUT YOU! YAY!!
You can also
experiment with this for the first time just with a simple
full-body massage, this way it will be less-charged to say what
kind of strokes you like, etc.
Accentuate the
positive
forget about what
your partner is doing that is bugging you and tell them what you
love about the way they make love to you, ex. ‘that feels so
good’, then bringing it up again later (when you are not in a
sexual situation). ‘I loved it so much when you breathed on my
neck’...this can also be a way to build the energy and
attraction between you throughout the day so that you can’t wait
to get your hands on each other when you have the opportunity.
Morning
tea-time
Just as you need
to check-in with a meeting at work to see what is working and
what isn’t, it’s a good idea to create a time for you to
check-in with your partner. This can be about anything from what
is going on in your life, your relationship, or your lovemaking.
A great way to
connect and be comfortable is to meet for tea in the morning
after you have made love.
-
Wake your
beloved with a cup of tea (or coffee) in bed.
-
Find a
comfortable way to sit close (I like to sit in front of my
love, leaning back on to his chest, sitting in between his
legs- the great thing about this position is that you can
feel so close and held by your partner, and not be making
eye contact…I am a big fan of eye contact, but it can be
especially hard to maintain when you are sharing something
that is sensitive).
-
Begin by
saying what you loved about the time you spent together and
then gradually add in some thoughts on things that maybe did
not work for you or things you would like to try in a
different way. When you are sharing something that is true
for you, but could potentially hurt your partner’s feelings,
it is essential that you take responsibility. One easy way
to do that is to use only ‘I’ statements.
For example: 'When you blow
in my ear I feel a little uncomfortable’ as
opposed to, ‘I hate it when you blow in my ear, it totally
turns me off’. Making a small adjustment like this may mean
the difference between getting what you truly desire and
getting stuck sleeping on the couch.
During The Act
Sharing how you
feel and what you want during the act of lovemaking can be
especially challenging. Sometimes I find that I didn’t even know
something wasn’t working for me until a couple hours after when
my pussy felt sore and I thought, ‘Gee, I guess I was kind of
dry when we did it doggy style, I wish I had asked to change
back to missionary’. However, over time as we get to know our
own body and learn to trust that it is okay to get what we want,
we will begin to identify it during the lovemaking itself. Then
you can begin on the process of getting what is in your mind and
heart out of your mouth and sharing with your partner.
-
making noises
-
allowing the
pleasure to show all through your body
-
actively
moving into the caresses you enjoy
-
whispering how
much you love what is working for you
-
use
‘hand-over-hand’ (or other body parts) to guide your partner
to where you are longing to have more attention. Once they
are there you can guide them as to how much or little
pressure you like…be sure to moan with pleasure when they
give it to you just how you like it!
-
Gently guiding
your partner’s hand away from something that isn’t working
for you and putting it somewhere else that does! ex. They
are putting too much pressure on your clit so you move their
hand to your breast and guide them to squeeze your nipple,
which you love! Or ex. Your partner puts her finger
up your ass and you gently take her hand and move it to
stroke your cock.
-
Alternatively,
you can simply say what you want.
Saying what you
want when you want it can be challenging for us in all aspects
of our life. This is because we have been conditioned to behave
in a certain way and often don’t believe that we deserve to get
our needs met. It can take time to discover what you want,
realize that you deserve it, and find ways to communicate it to
your partner and that is totally understandable. The most
important thing to remember is that just as you hope your love
is raving about the great blow job you gave him, or that you
made her come harder than anyone else ever has, so your lover is
most likely hoping that they are pleasing you like no other.
In finding ways to
share what it is you like, you are actually giving them what
they want while you are getting what you want! You
are taking the guessing-game element out of lovemaking and
giving your partner everything they need to become the best
lover you have ever had!
If you have any further questions, just
email me and we’ll answer all that we can. |
