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How to... Make Your Own Sex Movie!
by Freddy and Eddy
 

Trying to create a little spark in our meandering sex life, we decided to explore making love with a purpose, that is to say committing our sexual exploits to video. After all, if Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee can wield a camera and produce some provocative footage (not to mention SCREECH from “Saved by the Bell”) and make millions in the process, why couldn’t we at least generate something for our own personal use to turn to in a porn pinch? At our age and physical appearance (at least on the male side), any chance of such material leaking out and causing embarrassment would have more to do with our lack of interest than displaying our wares to an unimpressed public. Reality does, indeed, have a cruel way of extending one’s boundaries.

Now, we’re no strangers to posing, having done still shoots for fun; however, making the leap to video required even seasoned smut peddlers like yours truly to hit the cyber bong for inspiration. What camera did we need? Where, exactly, should we do the filming? Did we need special lighting? How, pray tell, does one go about moving the camera around and switch positions without breaking the mood? All of these questions and more had us bewildered and we almost decided to simply pay someone else to do all the work and give us the finished product. Being broke quickly put the kibosh on that idea, though, and we were able to gather together enough information online to proceed, albeit cautiously.

The first thing one should consider when engaging in making homemade porn is whether to do it in the first place. Ask yourself, seriously, what's the WORST that can happen and multiply it by ten. Like the duped drunks in “Girls Gone Wild” videos, if you do not want your sexual exploits to come back to your relatives, surface during that important job interview, or make the rounds among your friends when you break things off with your (now) pissed off former partner, RUN from the camera. Oh, and forget that aspiration for political office after you finish your sexy masterpiece; all those promises of secrecy go out the window when TMZ or CNN comes calling with open checkbooks for that juicy recording. The digital age has ushered in unprecedented ease in creating, editing, and distributing video to the masses. You just KNOW that your video is going to get out, so plan accordingly. If you think that stuff on YouTube is embarrassing, just wait until your kids see you and your spouse making naughty in their bedrooms! In our decision, as mentioned above, we felt we were so past our primes that the only interested parties in our sexual escapades might be, well… we couldn't really think of anyone. Deviant "Wild Kingdom" fans, perhaps? Onward, porn!

In terms of equipment, we already possessed a small Sony Camcorder (with the added benefit of writing directly to mini DVD’s) and a basic tripod. This meant we could easily film and transfer the digital files into our computer without much fuss, then edit with a number of free programs. The newer generation of cameras come outfitted with hard drives or large capacity flash memory cards, meaning you need only run a USB cable or transfer a small SD card directly to your computer to get at your video content. Once the raw video is moved, Microsoft’s Windows Movie Maker, which came pre-installed with Vista, suited our needs just fine, offering basic editing and the ability to add music and transitions easily once we had captured some suitable action. Mac users have even more tools from which to choose, but we’d like to caution that programs like Final Cut Pro (available on both platforms) might be a bit of overkill, as well as needing countless hours of experience to use effectively. If you’re just trying to have some kinky fun, why ruin it by trying to emulate Steven Spielberg (although we’d LOVE to see what’s in HIS hidden video collection) and fussing over irrelevant details? Keep it simple and you’ll be amazed at how sexy your production will be.

One tidbit of warning – stay AWAY from hi-definition. Watching an exciting car chase or nature documentary in hi-def is wonderful. Viewing the naked human form – your naked human form - in Blue-Ray detail can be downright scary. Trust us, you’ll want less detail on screen, so make good use of muted light and shadow – we’ll share some tricks in this regard in our next column – to soften everything and make your sensual exploits luscious and complimentary to both of you.

Once we had all the techical ingredients, it was time to "get down to business," so to speak. We wanted our production to highlight our good physical points - great breasts, for example - while muting or hiding problem areas, if not altogether then as much as possible. Both in our 40's, we do carry a few extra pounds here and there, so we decided to hide the less complimentary body parts with strategically placed clothing and lingerie. After all, one doesn't need to be completely nude to make successful porn and, looking back, the decision to go partially clothed made the final product more alluring and fun to watch.

As for when to shoot, we decided to shoot our video during the day after our night time action kept coming out dark and grainy (this happened even with all the lights on). To cut down on the brightness, we used a white shower curtain to soften the natural light from our bedroom windows. We also turned off our camcorder's autofocus and slightly reduced the focus to further soften the proceedings. Though disconcerting at first - how many of us have sex during the day anymore - we soon became comfortable baring it all in full, glorious daylight (a nice side benefit has been a continuation of daytime love making).

As far as knowing exactly what to do once the camera got rolling, we simply took a cue from our vast porn collection at our store and imitated the pros. First, we came up with a basic outline, then shot "point of view," according to our script, taking turns holding the camera as each of us performed a sexual act, first solo, then on each other (the oral sex stuff was particularly evocative). We ran through various intercourse positions with the camera moving according to our whims and moods, kind of letting things flow as in a typical gonzo release from Seymore Butts or Voyeur Media. We next set up the tripod for some fixed (wide) shots, again moving deliberatly through familiar territory to take advantage of as much sexual endurance as we could. The little LCD viewer on our camera could be swiveled toward us to give some general idea of what was in a given field of view, and we thanked Sony for the inclusion of a tiny remote that enabled us to not only control capture, but to zoom in and out. Again, given our ages, we couldn't "perform" to porn star standards. Even with Cialis and plenty of lube, we rarely could keep going for more than an hour, taking three days to gather enough appropriate material to begin the editing process. Sorry if this is TMI, but we filmed the climaxes first to extend our sessions and be less worried about prematurely ending a scene.

Finally, after we were satisfied we'd collectied enough usable content, we set about editing it into a short, watchable video. We easily transferred the digital files to our Compaq laptop, then imported them into Microsoft Windows Movie Maker, cutting out those we either didn't like or were too light or dark. From there, it was a simple matter of lining up the clips in the order we wanted, adding transitions, and publishing it to our desired format. In this respect, we decided to go with two versions: a DVD to play on our large lliving room television and a smaller computer version we could play on our laptops or iPods whenever we felt in need of a sexy jolt. The one glitch in all this was adding music. that is to say any track we chose seemed to ruin the entire production. Forget the cheesy porn music you find in legitimate adult releases, we tried every kind of track short of yodeling ballads and nothing worked. In the end, we found it best to let our own voices, grunts, and moans accompany our carnal images.

So what effect did watching ourselves engage in sex have on us? Quite a lot, actually. Not only did our little experiment come out remarkably polished, but viewing it exceeded every porn title we'd watched up to that point! Within seconds of hitting the play button, we were at each other, just for the fact we were turned on by the mere thought of making it in the first place. It was amazing how our perceived physical flaws were irrelevant as we became caught up in how sizzling hot our own love making could be. Obviously, objective observers would probably cringe, meaning you wont find our little gem posted on the tube sites. However, the next time we feel the urge to exercise our naughty director instincts, the camera will be put into action.

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