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Swinging is a
fantasy many couples have... but how to start?
I'll over-simplify it for you, and give you my 10 (not necessarily
easy) steps:
1: Examine
why YOU want to do it
2: Make sure you and your partner are on the same page
3. Safety check
4: Find the right venue for you
5: Practice with exhibitionism first
6: Check in with your partner
7: Take the plunge
8: Check in with your partner (again)
9. Develop swinging relationships
10. Enjoy! (and don't forget to check in with your partner!)
And now, the gory details... though as with any online how-to,
this isn’t the whole story. Do your research. And, if you have any
questions, free to ask!
Swinging will
bring new (and often exciting!) influences into your relationship,
so it's not to be taken lightly. Through all of these steps,
remember that the key to this, and any sexual experimentation, is
communication, communication, and more communication.
Let's get started!
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1: Examine why YOU want to swing
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First step: figure out your own motivations for wanting to open up
your sex life to others. Are you not sexually satisfied with your
current partner, and think swinging is a way to find variety? Do
you fantasize about other people, and think swinging is a way to
have your cake and eat it too? Do you think that swinging is a
good way to bring the spice back into a stale relationship? Have
you cheated, and think that having sex with others in front of
your partner (rather than hiding it) will help fix things?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you should
take a good, honest look at your current relationship. Swinging
will amplify, not fix, any problems you are having.
Next, think (long
and hard) about how you will react to seeing your partner interact
with someone else. Are you or your partner jealous people? Do you
have any trust issues with your partner? Do you and your partner
have trouble communicating? Again, if you answered "yes" to
any of these questions... swinging is not for you.
If the opposite
is true... you are curious about playing with multiple partners,
have a voyeuristic or exhibitionistic streak, fantasize about
watching your partner with others, and aren’t the jealous type—and
think your partner is the same—then the swinging world is the
place for you.
Swinging can open
your relationship to experiences that many only fantasize about.
To share and be shared with other sexy adults; to experience the
dynamic of multiple partners; to be sexual in new places, and with
new stimuli... all beautiful things.
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2: Make sure you and your partner are on the same page
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Often,
one partner fantasizes about swinging, and has to broach the topic
with their other partner. If you are comfortable openly
communicating with your partner, the straightforward approach
might be best. "Honey, you know I fantasize about (having sex in
front of people, sharing you with someone else...), how would you
feel about actually doing it?"
If you're not comfortable being so blunt, you could try bringing
it up more subtly. Try suggesting a weekly or monthly movie date,
where you rent adult movies and watch them together. Eventually,
rent one with multiple couples, and let that be your ice breaker.
Or, try reading erotic stories aloud to your partner... first ones
that involve committed couples, then ones that talk about
introducing an extra person into the bedroom.
Another method: use someone else as your scapegoat. "You
won't believe what I overheard at the office today! One of my
co-workers was talking about Nina Hartley's Guide to Swinging
video. I thought swinging died with Mr. and Mrs. Roper... but he
says it's still quite common. What do you think about it?"
Once the topic is broached, and curiosity is raised... it is
imperative that you and your partner know each others boundaries,
and trust that those boundaries will be respected. The time to
work out any differences in how you see things is BEFORE you
involve anyone else. Remember, one of the main goals of swinging
is to enhance your relationship, and the only way to make sure
that happens is to communicate.
There are as many types of swinging as there are relationships.
Couples can:
1. Use the presence of other sex-positive people to get
turned on, then go home and play with your partner.
2. "Soft Swing," or only kiss and fondle new partners, and
then have intercourse with each other.
3. "Full Swing," or “open relationship,” and completely
exchange partners, but only sometimes in the same space.
4. "Closed swing," which means swap partners, and play in
separate spaces from each other
... and
everything in between.
And, because the
term “swinging” conjures up images of Mr. and Mrs. Roper, many
people prefer saying they are “in the lifestyle,” or that they are
“open.”
What rules couples use when they swing (for both themselves and
each other) varies on where their comfort level is with each
other, with each new partner, with each venue... and, sometimes,
on what time of the month it might be. :)
As a general rule, no play happens unless both partners are game.
Keep in mind that with 2 couples, there are 12 opinions to take
into consideration (each of 4 people has an opinion of the other 3
people involved). All it takes is one partner to veto a situation
from happening.
You will meet people that are so comfortable with each other that
they don't seem to have any rules, and others that don't play
unless their partner is within reach. Knowing that there are
people at different levels makes it even more important to know
and hold to your own pre-set standards.
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3. Safety check
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One major
concern with bringing new sexual partners into a relationship is
the possibility of bringing STDs into the mix. With any new sexual
partner, condoms should be a rule, not an option... some swing
clubs even require condoms for ALL of their visitors (even
committed couples), just to make this rule easier to enforce.
Knowing where each other stand with STDs is the best place to
start. Get tested (Planned Parenthood does testing for under $20
for all the major suspects), and educate yourselves about what can
and can't be spread even with condom use. Herpes and HPV (Genital
Warts), two of the most common STDs, often are transmitted outside
the areas that condoms protect, so knowing your status and
communicating with future partners is imperative.
For example,
statistics say that 20% of all adults in the US have genital
herpes, however as many as 90% are unaware that they have the
virus. Sadly, the fact that most testing agencies see herpes as a
mild rash coupled with the expense of tests, and you end up with
many people who don't find out they are infected until (and if)
they have a visible outbreak.
The links listed above will give you as much information as is
available about STDs, and are a good place to start learning about
how to protect yourselves. Talk with your partner and decide how
you want to deal with people that tell you they have STDs, and be
prepared to be open about your own STD history.
Many couples stick to soft swinging in order to skirt the STD
issue. Activities that can transmit STDs, in order from "safest"
to "least safe" are as follows:
~ Petting (touching with hands)
~ Kissing mouths
~ Oral sex with women
~ Oral sex with men
~ Vaginal intercourse
~ Anal intercourse
Always using condoms, knowing STD facts, and keeping communication
lines open are the best ways to have a safer sexual experience.
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4: Find the right venue for you
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There are many ways to meet other people to play with, depending
on what you are looking for.
Want to bring an extra person or couple into your home? Then
online personals might be a good place to start. There are MANY
online sites geared towards swingers; my favorite, hands down, is
Lifestyle
Lounge.
LifeStyle Lounge is a private online community that has grown by
leaps and bounds over the past year... I met a bunch of people
from it at last July's
Lifestyle's Convention, and was very impressed at the caliber
of people. Through the site, you can search people by distance,
sexual orientation, and a ton of other criteria. They also have a
(hugely popular) chat board that I was addicted to (till my free
membership access to them expired). It's $17.95 a month, with
discounts for purchasing in quantity, and well worth it to those
active in the lifestyle.
Another way to find people to play with is through Take Out
Parties, also known as off-premise parties. For these, you go to a
party (either at a club or someone's house) and simply meet people
to either take home that night, or meet up with at another time.
These can be a great place to start if you feel pressured by
places with sexual possibilities in-house.
If you prefer to play on-premises, you can go to a swing club.
There is a wide variety of clubs, from every-once-in-awhile clubs
hosted in people's homes, to venues designed specifically to be
swinger's clubs. I've been to both kinds, and each tend to have a
different flavor. Those held at homes are a bit more laid-back and
casual, serving a (great!) buffet dinner and featuring a great
dance floor and other places to break the ice before heading into
play areas. The clubs vary also... some are let's-get-to-the-sex
clubs, and others have more areas for talking and "courting"
before getting down to business.
You can find both types of clubs through
The North American Swing Club Association. I'd link more
sites, but this one link is really a complete resource.
If you’d like to have some anonymity, or want to meet people out
of your area, swinger's conventions are the way to go.
Lifestyle's, the "organization" for swingers, meets twice a year
in the US, and once internationally... plus tons of cruises and
other meetings throughout the US and world.
Play Couples
is one of the main Lifestyle's sites, and links to all of the
conventions and tours.
And... last but
certainly not least... many couples find that once they are open
sexually, that they attract like people or couples to them. They
never have to or want to go to clubs, or meet people online. I
started out by stumbling into group sex situations (helps to be
doing research for a sex site, I tell ya...), then was shocked to
find there were organized groups arranging events to make that
easier. I have been to 7 different clubs (in Los Angeles, San
Diego, and Las Vegas) and the Lifestyles Convention, as well as
numerous private parties, and find them each to have a unique vibe
that can appeal to a wide variety of people (or to my different
moods).
I could write a
book about how these less organized things happen... but that’s
for another day.
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5: Practice with exhibitionism first
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I know, I know,
you’re ready to play... why aren’t we in a pile already?
Because you are
inviting other people—possibly strangers—into the most private
part of your relationship... and into your bedroom. Are you sure
of how you’ll react when another man finds your girl attractive?
At the time it happens... and the morning after? Are you positive
that you’ll know how to tell Mr. and Mrs. Roper (or Larry) that
they’re not for you? Are you sure your partner is as ready to see
you with other people as you are them?
Going to an event
with no pressure to participate (except with each other) is a
great way to prepare both of you for those situations without the
I-wish-I-hadn’ts. Go to a club. Meet other people... see for
yourself how other couples treat their partners and each other.
You’ll find the full gamut—from people that are just as new and
nervous as you are to those who’ve reached that plateau of
non-jealousy, and beam they are so excited to show off and share
their loved ones.
Trust me on
this.... watch and be watched first, and you’ll have a much more
satisfying time when you do decide to play. See how couples
interact. Watch the man that only touches other women when his
wife’s back is turned... and how she addresses it. Watch the
couples that are so comfortable with each other and themselves
that they don’t know—or care—who is touching them, as long as that
touch is respectful. Talk about who you find attractive, and who
you don’t, and figure out (before you have to) how you’ll deal
with being attracted to only one person in a couple, or to someone
your partner isn’t into.
And, see what it
feels like to have people watch you. It is one thing to be naked
in your own home; a completely different feeling to wander from
room to room in negligee, or less; for people to see you, or your
partner, in an aroused state... and doing something about it.
Most clubs have
plenty of choices of places to get started, from “private”
curtained-off beds to open multi-bed rooms, from ladies-only
sections to free-for-all areas. Some venues even have different
scenes to play in, like a doctor’s office, dungeon, or jail cell.
Across the board, you’ll find dance floors, dining, and mingling
areas to get things started.
Another great
reason to take it slow your first night is... clubs can vary
greatly from each other. What if you don’t find anyone there
attractive? What if the club attracts a different age group than
you desire? A different vibe? Singles instead of couples, or the
other way around? Go. Play... and save the pressure to join others
till the next time.
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6: Check in with your partner
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There are few
times in a relationship where communication is more necessary than
after a first visit to a swing club. So much stimuli—so many new
people—so many new experiences—so much to talk about. Tired of
talking? Remember that an hour of conversation now will prevent
eons of issues later. If all you’re getting from your partner
about the night is that it was “fine” or “fun,” it’s your
responsibility to ask questions and make sure they’re not just
being quiet.
What did they
think about the people there?
Who were they
attracted to? Who weren’t they attracted to?
How comfortable
are you/they with asserting your boundaries?
What shocked them
the most? Least?
How did they feel
about being naked in front of others?
What turned them
on? What turned them on that they didn’t expect?
How did they/you
feel about being at a club (a “public” place)?
Was a club the
right atmosphere for you, or do you two think you’d rather meet
couples in a more private setting?
Remember... the
more you talk ahead of time, the more in tune you’ll be with each
other when talking isn’t so easy... because it’s pretty frickin’
hard to check in with your partner if you’ve got a few naked
bodies between you (trust me).
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7: Take the plunge
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YEAH! It’s time!
Time for what? That’s for you to decide. Did you find the perfect
club during your first time out, and can’t wait to go back? Or,
did you meet someone there you’d like to get to know better in a
more private setting? Or, did you decide that club wasn’t for you,
but want to try another? Or meet people from online?
So many
choices... the great thing is, that as long as you and your
partner are on the same page, there is no hurry. There is plenty
of time to explore... find the right club, the right people, the
right timing. My personal preference is to meet people at clubs
(or conventions), get to know them... maybe begin play... but
follow up later, either privately, or with date-nights at clubs. I
prefer to play with people I know well, which means I play with
friends, or friends of friends, and making friends at clubs is an
easy way to know everyone’s on the same page.
Go! Fa-la! Have
fun! And don’t forget to check in with your partner several times
through the evening, and make sure they’re having as much fun as
you are. By staying in tune with your partner, you’re helping
solidify that you’ll both be comfortable playing again in the
future.
Also remember...
you don’t HAVE to find someone to play with... if the vibe’s not
right, your favorite partner is right there with you, take the
opportunity to try something new with each other.
An observation
that surprised me the most after my first few evenings at clubs...
and I’m not the first to notice this... men may instigate
swinging, but it’s usually the women that make the choice to stay
in the lifestyle. My other surprise? Women are really, truly, in
charge of this lifestyle. What we say, goes. Sounds sexist... but
it just works that way. Men, if you let your women lead, not only
will they be more comfortable with the lifestyle (and not feel
pressured into it), but you’ll find yourself in more adventures
than you can shake a... well... stick at.
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8: Check in with your partner
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No, really. How
did it go? Did so-and-so touch you too fast? Did your partner
notice? Did you find boundaries you didn’t know you had (and did
you hold to them)? What surprised you?
And, what’s next?
When is next? Who is next? Your options are open at this point...
talk about them. Explore them. Fantasize about them.
Be especially
conscious of your partner’s feelings at this point. Make sure
you’ve told your partner how much they mean to you, and how much
you enjoyed sharing the evening with *them*. Be aware that
though they might be open to comments about other people most of
the time, tact might be your allay after your first night of play
when reminiscing about so-and-so’s breasts or cock... just because
you’re partner’s opened up enough to swing with you doesn’t make
them immune to jealousies or insecurities. Keeping in mind that
you are a couple first will help with this (read: bask in the glow
of what you shared, not revel on the new conquests you’ve had).
Last but
certainly not least... don’t forget your new partners. As my
friend so eloquently put it: “It's also important to check in
with the third party (during and after). When you're exploring
someone new it's important to see where they're at. You know your
partner’s "uncomfortable" signs but the new person might not make
they're boundaries obvious. Don’t forget that the person/people
that you're playing with may be as new to it as you are. Even if
you don't plan on playing with that person/people again, follow-up
communication is important for yourself, to make sure things ended
positively, and for the third party, to make them feel appreciated
(because third parties are people too. :)”
Yeah, what she
said.
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9: Develop swinging relationships
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It’s time to...
play! You’ve made it past the hard parts, the negotiations, the
feeling out of your boundaries. You’ve found some people you’re
attracted to, and as you get to know each other more, you find
that you’ve got a whole new world to share with your partner.
Now’s the time to
feel out what type of swinging relationships you want. Ask each
other:
Do you want to
find one couple to see a few times a year to spice things up?
Do you prefer the
vibe of a club, and the variety it can entail?
Are you looking
for best friends, with privileges? (I have one friend who’s been a
swinger for most of his life... he and his wife became so close
with one couple that they all lived together for years, even
started their families while sharing a home... and found that they
loved having best friends that they could play with in every
arena.)
Keep in mind that
there are many opinions to deal with when you involve multiple
people... check in with your new playmates, too, and see if
they’re still in. Know that sometimes, the vibe isn’t there... or
doesn’t stay. Don’t be offended because everyone’s not attracted
to you, or to your partner. There are plenty of people to get to
know, and to get to know *well.*
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10. Enjoy - and don't forget to check in with your partner!
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Questions?
Just ask! Email
jennifer@hiddenself.com.
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