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The Swingers Lifestyle Community is allot like dating, only you as a couple are either dating an individual (Ménage trios) or another couple and your friendship / relationship may blossom into a long-term relationship or just like dating short-term. Thinking of it in these terms will make it easier to slog through the swingers databases, yahoo groups and on-site swingers clubs that hold meet-n-greets.

It’s important to understand the history of swinging as it gives you a working knowledge base as to why people choose the lifestyle as an alternative to a monogamous relationship. The original roots of swinging date back to ancient history with the Romans and Greeks and their mass orgies, but in relationship to contemporary civilization it has its own roots as well. The history of the word "swinging" was previously called wife swapping, but the "wife swappers" came from non-other than our very own British and US Militaries.

In the 1930's wife swapping was part of air force life in England as fallen solders wives where accepted into neighbors relationships, the newly widowed wives would seek sexual satisfaction from their hosts. This lead the way to the widows being "passed" around to other single men in the troop. In the years that followed it wasn't uncommon for a wife (non-widow) of an officer to accompany other men, married or single into a sexual relationship, although these relationships would be considered Polyamory at that time. As "the wife swapping lifestyle " gained popularity and media attention in the 50's, the activity was changed to "swinging" and more recently "The Lifestyle" or Polyamory. However, Polyamory is really nothing more than a subset of Swingers.

Swingers amongst U.S. Air Force fighter pilots during World War II was widespread do to that fact that their fatality rate was the highest of any branch of service. This led to an unusual social development in which non-monogamy between pilots' wives and other pilots became a suitable social behavior and paved the way for the "Lifestyle". Arrangements of this new social lifestyle behavior persist, even today as its not uncommon in military. The groups of pilots and their wives share each other sexually, but did not stray from their Air wing sexually, which is how most people define Polyamory, it's Monogamy, not between a couple, but between several couples.

The pilot, and spouses do not stray from their Air wing because of deep-seated emotional bonds they share, which is what allot of Polyamorous couples; say is the difference between swingers a poly couples. The truth of the matter is that these were the first swinger relationship that slowly grew over time in to a more open type of sexual relationship. It seems there is a subculture in the swingers’ lifestyle community who wants to get back to the roots of swingers which was originally a polyamorous playgroup.

Most everyone realizes that Polyamorists are just trying to avoid the "Swingers Lifestyle " label when in fact they are swingers i.e. they represent the first swingers community, so trying to avoid the lable of swingers is like and apple trying to avoid the fruit category. Most people realize this and are not fooled by some of the "attitudes" displayed by some "Polyamorists". The great side to Polyamorary it it does allow new couples and singles into the lifestyle in a manner that suits their current needs, desires and fits within their "belief" system.

I actually think that the mass majority of swingers would fall into a more polyamorous relationship if provided the opportunity and people they desire. It you actually read most of the profiles of couples appear to be looking for couples for a "long term or going relationship". However, this doesn't stop them from swinging and fulfilling their fantasies now. In other words, I believe that most would be more polyamorous if they found the people (the other couples or singles) that meet their criteria and meld well with their own personal lifestyle, preferences, characteristics, and belief systems. This is not to say they would stop swinging, but they would spend more time with their friends having sex than a swingers club getting random sex.

MEETING OTHERS IN THE SWINGERS LIFESTYLE

When we started out in the "Lifestyle" about five years ago, the hardest part for us was meeting people that had similar interests, tastes and were sexually attractive to both of us. So there are a couple of things that would have been helpful in going through this process. We’ve described it as dating, so in the same line of thought one must remember that “process”.

How do we meet people? Okay, so when you were single and before the Internet in 1995 you used to go to bars, go to college parties, meet others through associates at church, work and other organizations. For myself, I wasn’t meeting the men I was interested in through these normal avenues, so I actually joined a dating service in the early 1980's. I paid an exuberant amount of money and created a hard copy typed “profile” of myself that sat in a big book. They also did an introduction video and took a nice photograph of me, which allowed others to "check me out" before following up with an intial telephone call. I still have that hard copy profile and photograph buried in a bunch of stuff somewhere around here. However, the process did work, I met my ex-husband and we're together for over 10 years. My current husband came through a long-term work friendship and after we were both divorced from our spouses we got into a relationship. These are rare and hard to come-by as well you can’t exactly go ask your co-workers “do you swing?”

Twenty years later, college parties are gone, I don’t feel comfortable with the whole congregation of a church knowing my sexual preferences nor co-workers, or other organizations that are outside the Adult Industry, so here we are again back to creating a profile of sorts and paying a fee to list it either in a Swinger’s Magazine or in an on-line database, like our favorite IA Members Swingers Lifestyle Community.

Alright, I learned to write a fairly concise profile for my original dating service back in the 1980’s, but wait, that was just me, not Richard my spouse so we have to start from scratch. So what makes a good profile? Unless you have written an autobiography, it is hard to write about oneself, just think when was the last time you rewrote your resume and multiple that by 2 – you and your partner. Well, don’t worry, follow the steps below and you will find it easier than you think.

PICKING A SWINGERS COMMUNITY FOR ON-LINE PROFILES

They’re a ton of on-line swingers communities available these days and many of them are "want-to-be" on-line lifestyle communities with off-the-shelf software installed, and no extra programming has gone into them to increase user friendlyness. Additionally, there are others that have been around for several years, that generally do not do upgrades, you get what you get the way it is, take it or leave it. Richard and I developed IA Members after going through the aforementioned issues among other things. We also started off with an off-the-shelf, but spent $$$$ reprogramming and designing it so it was conducive to a Swingers Lifestyle Community and flexible to add new features as we can. The other databases available range from extremely good to less than desirable. Of course, I'm going to suggest you try IA Members Lifestyle Community for Swingers by Swingers first. However, if you want another alternative, I suggest using one that is pleasant in nature, colors, easy to understand, a variety of features, and offers a free basic membership and then allows you to upgrade and has life-time memberships. I suggest staying away from the largest database (you know the one). Additionally, find out information about the owners and the company. Are they (the owners) in this for the money only or are they really in the Lifestyle? We know many of the other database owners and have meet them personally at swingers conventions and clubs. What we discovered with several was that they "claim" to be in the lifestyle, but when it came time to play they were NO WHERE to be found. I mention this because it's important to trust the website owner who is suppose to be looking out for your best interest as their customer and not their own pocket book. Other questions too ask yourselves when visiting these online lifestyle communitys are:

1. Are the sex toys in their “store” unique or are they just an affiliate links,or worse yet a total affiliate "pre built" stores with nothing unique or do they actually handle the product themselves and ship it? If an on-line community actually handles products themselves it tells you that they are really involved and in touch with the adult industry and lifestyle of swingers.

2. Do they charge clubs for adverstising and linking? Do they force clubs to carry their link or advertise their database on the club's website? This type of activity will tell you if they are concerned about you as a client or just in this to make money.

3. When you visit a swingers club website you should look in their links section to find out what lifestyle communities they have linked with, if they are linked with only one then this is probably not a swingers club you would want to attend. Basically the club has sold their sole to "their" database community and the club will be nothing more than a click where outsiders are shuned. The same goes for swingers club sites that link with many databases but seem to consistantly and prominately display one database or another. This is an attempt to again tell the visitor either join this swingers lifestyle community or you will not be welcome in our club! Alternatively, some swinger clubs have started their own databases as a way to keep track of members and to avoid paying "some of the swinger communities" that "adverstising" fee or link requirement. These databases are generally poorly implemented and may not fit your needs.

Other things to consider when looking at on-line lifestyle communities.

1. Read their Swingers Privacy Policy carefully. I found through trial and error in one database that the owner actually violated his own privacy policy by reading the members emails on a regular basis.
2. Read their Swinger Terms of Service carefully. Most databases have a strict policy against Spam and abuse within their database. This includes, giving out party information that has not been paid for, providing your email address in your profile or when sending a message within a database system, and mentioning other swinger on-line personals within their system. The obvious reason is that all databases want you to use their system, not use it once for free and then go to a yahoo group or another database outside of their system. I ask as a common courtesy, please follow the terms of service/use of all swinger databases. It is also a common courtesy and usually part of the terms of service to not ask a member to use another database. The simple reason is that it takes money and many programming hours to develop a database. If you don't like their policies, find another database.
3. When you sign up are you required to be “certified” as a swinger before contacting people? I ran into this problem with a few databases. If I can’t find people to meet, then how can I be certified? It requires someone to sponsor you before you have even tried swinging yet. We suggest that you do not use this type of system to start because it really puts the cart before the horse.

IA Members Swingers Lifestyle Community is a smaller database, just over a year old, but one of the nicer ones available. Richard and I are the owners and we are in the Lifestyle. IA Members is an adjunct to our main business, Sex Toys for Swingers & Other Couples by Intimate Associates, as a convenience for our clientele, not our main method of revenue generation. It offers two choices free memberships and an upgrade gold membership. Our gold memberships (nominal in cost in comparison to other databases) are designed to off-set the cost of upgrades and enhancing the services, not to reem you for a profit. Free memberships have many of the features of gold paid memberships, but in smaller quanitity limitations. We read through every profile, correct spelling mistakes, check the email address for validation, also offer a yahoo group outside of the system if that is your preference. IA Members does not allow Spam or abuse either. We don't charge for advertising or links, nor do we require a link exchange for clubs, but prefer it. We are building a listing of qualified venues, resorts, clubs, and recommended retailers. The ability to certify anyone as a “swinger” is a gold member feature. However, you can be certified as a swinger by another member and still be a free member.

FILLING OUT A LIFESTYLE PROFILE

1. Most databases, including IA Members have basic information in the form of check boxes and pull down menus. These vary slightly. This includes age, gender, sexual preferences, height, weight, marital status, languages you speak, occupation, etc. When you write your profile, just use the check boxes or pull down menus for this information. Enter in your real zip code for search criteria as well. Most of the databases only have the ability to search on US Zip codes. It is extremely difficult to build a search criteria engine search that can easily search all of the variations of zip code standards in the world, so you may find this as a common problem across many swinger databases. Don’t waste the text fields that require a description, your interests and experience with statistical data.
2. Use a fun title for your profile. Something provocative about you and your partner.
3. If the database requires your real name, do not worry, that information will not be seen by anyone but the database administrator. Create a unique profile name for the both of you. For example, “sexycouple” or your initials (R&J). This is different that your real name and pretty much stick with first names in general.
4. 4. Write a description about yourselves as a couple. Who are you and what do you like that isn’t already listed in a checkbox or pull down menu? What are your interests, such as music, hobbies, or shooting pool, going to the beach, skiing, etc? Also what are you looking for as far as other potential partners?
   
   For example, our profile states the following:
   “We are looking for open-minded people to enjoy good conversation, good times and great sex. Send us a virtual kiss and we'll respond. Hope to hear from you. We also love bright energetic and intelligent people with a passion for life and learning together.”
   
   Do you want a MFM or FMF experience? Tell people you are new and still exploring. Also write a fantasy together.
   
   The more you write in this section and reveal, the more likely you will be contacted.
   
    
5. Use an email address where you can get responses, kisses, winks, and notifications, etc. I suggest trying a yahoo or hotmail address first, but later changing it to a personal email address that both of you share and one that your children do not have access too. Don’t be paranoid about it. No one is going to get your email address unless you give it out. All databases protect their profile email addresses diligently.
6. If you have Spam guard software set up on your computer, it will be difficult for you to get a confirmation message for your profile activation. Add the email address or domain to your “white list” prior to finishing your profile so you can confirm it easily.
7. Be patient about getting your profile activated. Some systems, especially if it is pay first will automatically approve your profile after your credit card has been charged. Free systems usually require a moderator or administrator to review your profile. This is not intended as an intrusion on your privacy, but a way to filter out junk profiles and spammers.

Another aspect of exploring the swinger lifestyle is becoming part of one or more yahoo groups. This avenue provides you more anonymity and the ability to monitor information, while not having to constantly participate.

1. 1. Create a Yahoo Profile to join lifestyle swingers groups. Age is mandatory, a photograph is generally required and a little information about you and your spouse. This is usually a much easier profile to fill out than in a Swinger Community. However, there are drawbacks.
   • You have no control over who sees your profile and contacts you.
   • You can get a ton of unwanted emails.
   • If you have your profile settings to “no emails” you will not be accepted in many groups. You will be consided as a lookie-loo or spammer, not as someone serious about considering the lifestyle.
2. 2. You are ready! Login to the database or yahoo group and start searching. Do this together and discuss the attributes of the profiles you desire. If you find a couple or a single person you want to meet, then notify them. Tell them you are new and just exploring. Don’t worry they’ll contact you within a few days to extend further discussions and then set up a meeting. Remember, just like dating; don’t expect sex on the first date! See how it goes, make sure both are you are comfortable as well as the other couple or individual. Feel free to chat on-line with the person or couple several times before entertaining an actual meeting. Their boundaries are just as important as yours. Last, take it slow and keep within your comfort boundaries. Always tell your partner if something is bothering you or you are not comfortable in any situation.

If you need assistance creating your profile or want to know information on a variety of database choices, please email me. I will glad to assist you.